Progress Quest (Review)

“The game that is so self-aware and mind blowingly awesome that it doesn’t even need you.”

“Since time before time the Vorlak had held the Crosshutch at Thraeskamp. The ancient reckoning held that the Five Skrelkampi (and their Truebine) would return when the great Trond-feast could be held anew and the Belnap reunited. But this legend became lost to all but the Papperboxen at Horbug. One of their own was Yallow the Speldrig, who found an unlikely pupil in Torbole Understeady, the discarded illigitimate waif of Wainthane Topknox, whom Yallow renamed Grumdrig and began to school as a boar-pulmet’s apprentice. …And, as it was said by some, in aberdoxy.”

So, I’m reviewing Progress Quest. Perhaps I should just lean back and let this review write itself, just for the hell of it.

… … …

Alright, I waited about a full minute and there’s been absolutely no progress on the review writing itself, which is the complete opposite of what Progress Quest does. Progress Quest is a very detailed RPG complete with a seemingly infinite number of equippable items, loot, monsters, spells, and quests. There is, however, one catch.

You don’t play Progress Quest. It plays itself.

So how does this even classify as a game and why am I reviewing it? Just because, that’s why. Progress Quest is so tongue in check and does not take itself even slightly seriously, so nor will I take this review seriously.

So, Progress Quest! There are two game modes – single player and multiplayer. After choosing your desired mode of play, you get to make your character. There are many interesting race choices such as Demicanadian, Enchanted Motorcycle, Land Squid, and Talking Pony. The classes are just as diverse and include Bastard Lunatic, Inner Mason, Tickle-Mimic, and of course the legendary Tongueblade. After choosing a race and class combination, naming the character, and then choosing a set of randomly generated stats, it’s play time. Or watch time.

After you are finished making your character, you are treated to an awesome screen of progress bars.

This is literally the entire game right here.

Basically all you do is watch the game play itself. The status bar at the bottom dictates what your character is doing, which is either killing things, selling loot, or advancing the game’s plot (which doesn’t even exist).

This may sound incredibly dull, and it would be if it weren’t for the fact that Progress Quest is pretty darn funny. Common enemies to encounter include beer golems, porn elementals, and even giant were-will-o-the-wisps. The spell names are just as odd and range from hydrophobia, to holy batpole, to spectral oyster.

Does this game even make any sense? Or does this review? I don’t even know, but I’m going back to watching my Demicanadian Tickle-Mimic kill more beer golems and underage spectres.

Final Score

6/10

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