I was just browsing an old folder on my external hard drive and found a text document that contained my favourite Chuck Norris facts that I had stumbled upon. I look at these and still laugh because I’m afraid that if I don’t laugh, Chuck Norris will probably kill me.
Even though the Chuck Norris fad is a few years old and people get a little frowny-faced over Chuck Norris facts these days, I’m sure that there’s still some people who look these up and chuckle.
So, for those who are still amused by Chuck Norris facts, here’s my collection!
Chuck Norris’ first job was as a paperboy. There were no survivors.
Chuck Norris never wet his bed as a child. The bed wet itself out of fear.
Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Chuck Norris’ PC will crash.
Chuck Norris invented black. In fact he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.
There is no such thing as lesbians. They are merely women who have not yet met Chuck Norris.
The next setting of Survivor will force the contestants to endure the harshest environment yet – the immediate vicinity of Chuck Norris.
If at first you don’t succeed, then you’re not Chuck Norris.
The Prime Minister of Atlantis once said that Chuck Norris was a pussy. The next day, Atlantis disappeared from the face of the planet.
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his father.
Chuck Norris once challenged Lance Armstrong to a “Who has more testicles?” contest. Chuck Norris won by five.
Chuck Norris can teach an old dog new tricks.
Chuck Norris masturbates with glass.
Once a cobra bit Chuck Norris’ leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.
Chuck Norris’ penis starred as the shark in Jaws.
Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
When Chuck Norris talks, everybody listens. And dies.
As President Roosevelt said: “We have nothing to fear but fear itself. And Chuck Norris.”
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
Chuck Norris puts the “laughter” in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris can sneeze with his eyes open.
Chuck Norris recently won a destruction derby. Without a car.
There is no ‘ctrl’ key on Chuck Norris’s keyboard. Chuck Norris is always in control.
Chuck Norris can lead a horse to water, and make it drink.
Google won’t search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don’t find Chuck Norris, he finds you.
The movie Armageddon is based on real events, but instead of two fully manned space shuttles, there was only Chuck Norris. Instead of a drill, there was his foot.
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.
Chuck Norris won the Boston Marathon by laying flat on the ground and pulling himself with his tongue. He won by several minutes.
Chuck Norris singlehandedly killed disco.
James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. But he realized then it would become a documentary. So he then went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
We live in an expanding universe. All of it is trying to get away from Chuck Norris.
Vampires only come out at night because they are afraid of bumping into Chuck Norris during the day.
The Borg serve Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris clogs the toilet when he pees.
Chuck Norris is God’s apology for the Holocaust.
Chuck Norris received his license at the age of 16 seconds.
Did you hear Chuck Norris once lost a fight to a ninja? It turns out that it was a rumor spread by Chuck Norris so he could lure in more ninjas.
Chuck Norris doesn’t play god. Playing is for children.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.
Chuck Norris once had sex with an entire convent of nuns. Nine months later, they gave birth to the 1972 Dolphins.
Some people like to eat frogs’ legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.
Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
Chuck Norris can beat the sun at a staring contest.
Chuck Norris can speak braille.
Chuck Norris doesn’t tea bag. He potato sacks.
Chuck Norris challenged The Incredible Hulk to an arm wrestling contest and won – without even being there.
Chuck Norris has never won an Academy Award for acting… because he’s not acting.
Chuck Norris’ yawn is often mistaken for a foghorn by cargo vessels.
The Men in Black recently recruited Chuck Norris. However, instead of using a gizmo to erase people’s memories, Chuck Norris simply roundhouse kicks them in the head.
When Chuck Norris plays Monopoly, it affects the actual world economy.
Jesus Christ walked on water. Chuck Norris swam through land.
Chuck Norris once struck lightning.
The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only 5 pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauronís ass halfway through the first chapter.
Chuck Norris emerged from the water and terrorized Tokyo, but the Japanese were too afraid to admit this and claimed that it was a giant dinosaur instead.
Police officers do not wear Kevlar vests, they wear Chuck Norris’ beard trimmings.
Chuck Norris grinds his coffee with his teeth and boils the water with his own rage.
Chuck Norris can win any motorsport race by just sitting in the grandstands.
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
When Chuck Norris was born the only person who cried was the doctor.
Chuck Norris was originally going to star as Neo in The Matrix since he already possessed all the abilities in the movie and would save the directors lots of money. Unfortunately, the Wacowski brothers decided that they wanted the movie to be longer than sixteen minutes and decided to cast Keanu Reeves instead.
The scale for rating tornadoes goes as follows: F1, F2, F3, F4, F5, Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not wear condoms because there exists no protection from Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight, and the knife lost.
After his acting skills were criticized, Chuck Norris wrote, directed, produced, and starred in Titanic. He played every role, including the ship and the iceberg.
Batman’s alter ego is Chuck Norris.
When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can stop a bullet simply by staring at it angrily.
Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar together. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.
Chuck Norris CAN believe it’s not butter.
Chuck Norris knows the last digit of pi.
Chuck Norris’ daughter lost her virginity. Chuck Norris got it back for her.
Chuck Norris does not follow fashion trends, they follow him. But then he turns around and kicks their ass. Nobody follows Chuck Norris.
Gatorade isn’t in Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is in Gatorade.
Jack was nimble, Jack was quick, but then Chuck Norris took care of that with a roundhouse kick. Then he peed on his face.
Chuck Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
Chuck Norris was going to have a guest starring role on Desperate Housewives; but he was denied when the producers realized they would have to change the show’s title to Satisfied Housewives.
Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
Don’t be afraid of the unknown, it is simply Chuck Norris…. On second thought, be very afraid.
A special “Chuck Norris” edition of Risk was recently released. It comes with a new piece, Chuck Norris. The first player to obtain the piece wins automatically – no exceptions.
The Manhattan Project was not intended to create nuclear weapons, it was meant to recreate the destructive power in a Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick. They didn’t even come close.
Chuck Norris does not pay bus fare. Buses pay Chuck Norris fare.
Jupiter’s atmosphere is what happens when Chuck Norris eats spicy food.
When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn’t lifting himself up, he’s pushing the Earth down.
Chuck Norris receives Valentine cards from his beard.
Aliens DO indeed exist. They just know better than to visit a planet that Chuck Norris is on.
It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.
182,000 Americans die from Chuck Norris-related accidents every year.
If you spell Chuck Norris in Scrabble, you win. Forever.
Chuck Norris doesn’t cheat death. He wins fair and square.
Ghosts tell each other scary stories about Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. He was right.
Chuck Norris is fully aware that YOU are reading these jokes right now at this very moment.
Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this “a slow Tuesday.”
When you say “no one’s perfect”, Chuck Norris takes this as a personal insult.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
Chuck Norris does not go hunting because hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Chuck Norris does not mash his potatoes, he roundhouse kicks them into a fine mush.
Chuck Norris smells what the Rock is cooking… because the Rock is Chuck Norris’ personal chef.
The Toronto Maple Leafs were once the best team in the NHL, winning Stanley Cup after Stanley Cup.. but then Chuck Norris left the team.
Chuck Norris does not age. He ripens.
Chuck Norris doesn’t cut his grass. He just stares at it and dares it to grow.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
In 1998, Chuck Norris’ heart was replaced with a flux capacitor.
On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK’s head exploded out of sheer amazement.
There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of animals Chuck Norris allows to live.
Chuck Norris can smell fear.
They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but there was a problem: It wouldn’t take shit from anybody.
Chuck Norris doesn’t go on the internet, he has every internet site stored in his memory. He refreshes webpages by blinking.
Most people have 23 pairs of chromosomes. Chuck Norris has 72… and they’re all poisonous.
Only Chuck Norris can prevent forest fires.
Chuck Norris has the greatest Poker-Face of all time.
Chuck Norris can hit you so hard that he can actually alter your DNA. Decades from now your descendants will occasionally clutch their heads and yell “What The Hell was That?”
Chuck Norris once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Chuck Norris wears a live rattlesnake as a condom.
When Chuck Norris’s wife burned the turkey one Thanksgiving, Chuck said, “Don’t worry about it honey,” and went into his backyard. He came back five minutes later with a live turkey, ate it whole, and when he threw it up a few seconds later it was fully cooked and came with cranberry sauce. When his wife asked him how he had done it, he gave her a roundhouse kick to the face and said, “Never question Chuck Norris.”
When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night, he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris can piss six feet straight up. And not get wet.
Chuck Norris played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.
The agent of Chuck Norris asked Chuck if he wanted to be in Brokeback Mountain. Chuck Norris’ agent has been missing for almost 2 years now. Never ask Chuck Norris to be in a gay cowboy movie.
Chuck Norris can eat just one Lay’s potato chip.
When Chuck Norris smokes weed, the weed gets high.
When Chuck Norris throws a boomerang, the boomerang does not return because it is afraid to.
The meaning of life is Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not wear a watch. He decides what time it is.
Chuck Norris had sex with your mom, and your dad gave him a high-five.
Chuck Norris is The Trojan Man.
Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its decendants are known today as giraffes.
Chuck Norris is so fast, he can run around the world and punch himself in the back of the head.
Chuck Norris’ smile once brought a puppy back to life.
Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.
Chuck Norris always knows the exact location of Carmen San Diego.
Chuck Norris delivers presents to the good boys and girls of the world each year on the 25th of December. Adults just tell their children that a jolly man named Santa Claus does it so that they don’t stay up all night out of fear and possibly provoke Chuck as he comes smashing through the living room window. Chuck Norris doesn’t use the chimney, that’s what pussies do.
When Chuck Norris crosses the street, the cars have to look both ways.
Chuck Norris can turn Medusa to stone with a simple stare.
Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.
In an unreleased Exorcist 3, Chuck Norris exorcises Satan from Linda Blair simply by glaring at her.
There is no wind, only Chuck Norris inhaling and exhaling.
The last person to ask Chuck Norris what the best show on CBS was got a spur through the cornea and ate horseshit for seven years.
Rain is what happens when Chuck Norris has an overabundance of testerone in his body.
Chuck Norris invented Kentucky Fried Chicken’s famous secret recipe, with eleven herbs and spices. But nobody ever mentions the twelfth ingredient: Fear.
According to Chuck Norris, there is only one food group. Justice.
It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.
Chuck Norris has beaten every videogame in existance simply by blindfolding himself and roundhouse kicking the controller repeatedly.
Chuck Norris doesn’t stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bedframes, and sidewalks.
Chuck Norris won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game UNO.
Chuck Norris is what happens when evolution gets it right.
Chuck Norris can solved a Rubik’s Cube with his eyes closed while being submerged underwater with sharks.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris never receives spam email.
There is no gold at the end of the rainbow, only Chuck Norris, and he’ll beat the shit out of you for trying to steal his gold.
Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
Kangaroos. The result of Chuck Norris’ one night stand with a Sydney sewer rat.
Death once had a near-Chuck-Norris experience.
If you dial (2) 482-566-7747 on your telephone, it will explode.
It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.
Hitler did not commit suicide. Chuck Norris killed him.
Chuck Norris knows everything there is to know – Except for the definition of mercy.
Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris’ initials. This is not a coincidence.
Chuck Norris has had sex with more girls than there are Chuck Norris jokes.
Chuck Norris can win a game of Connect Four in only three moves.
A man once asked Chuck Norris if his real name is “Charles”. Chuck Norris did not respond, he simply stared at him until he exploded.
Chuck Norris has had a devoted fanclub which has lasted many centuries. They are called ninjas.
Chuck Norris is suing Myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.
Chuck Norris admits to playing with dolls when he was younger, if only for the fact that it was damn funny to see Ken roundhouse the shit out of Barbie.
Chuck Norris once tried to tell a Chuck Norris joke. The resulting explosion wiped out the prospering human nation of Antarctica.
Chuck Norris can unwrap a Starburst inside his mouth. The only other person that can do this is currently locked in a cage in Chuck’s basement.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
Chuck Norris once won the Stanley Cup all by himself. However, since he did not do so with an official team it was never actually recorded. Instead, history books dictate that the Montreal Canadiens won it that year.
Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that’s why there are no signs of life there.
Aliens do exist. They’re just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
Chuck Norris counted to infinity – twice.
The speed of light and speed of sound, combined, is roughly half the speed of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris invented his own type of karate. It’s called Chuck-Will-Kill.
Did you know that Chuck’s tears can cure cancer? Too bad he never cries.
When Chuck Norris takes a crap, someone else’s toilet over flows.
Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
Chuck Norris has only one weakness. Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is not only a noun, but a verb.
Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.
Canada is so cold because it is forever in the shadow of Chuck Norris.
Drug lords harvest steroids from the biceps of Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris is asexual, because nobody is good enough to fuck with Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris sleeps with a pillow under his gun.
Mythical gods all have beards because they are trying their hardest to be like Chuck Norris and failing.
God invented lesbians so that women could resist Chuck Norris. In response, Chuck Norris invented gays to spite God and even things in his favour again.
Chuck Norris can speak any language fluently. This includes Klingon, Tongue, and Morse Code as well as his own language, Norrisian.
God said, “Let there be light.” Chuck Norris responded with “Say please.”
Chuck Norris does not fight cavities, they are too scared to form in his teeth.
When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn’t suck his mother’s breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.
Chuck Norris does not get an erection watching Baywatch. Baywatch gets an erection watching Chuck Norris.
According to Einstein’s theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.
Most people fear the Reaper. Chuck Norris considers him “a promising Rookie.”
When Chuck Norris was denied a Egg McMuffin at McDonalds because it was 11:00, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy’s.
Chuck Norris wakes himself up in the morning by solving complex math equations, drinking three dozen raw eggs, and roundhouse kicking the shit out of both the milkman and paperboy.
Chuck Norris went there, girlfriend.
Genesis 1:1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth. Chuck Norris did a roundhouse kick to set it all in motion.
The quickest way to a man’s heart is with Chuck Norris’ fist.
Chuck Norris grew out of the Chuck Norris fad before it began.
Chuck Norris fell into a pit of bubbling lava, and he almost drowned. Almost.
There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.
Ghosts are actually caused by Chuck Norris killing people faster than Death can process them.
Chuck Norris once tried to teach second grade physical education, but was fired when all of the children died from over-exertion.
Chuck Norris has one and only one solution for weight loss. Roundhouse kicking the fat straight out of the body.
“Hurricane” is Latin for “Chuck Norris.”
Guns carry Chuck Norris for protection.
Pluto is actually an orbiting group of British soldiers from the American Revolution who entered space after the Chuck gave them a roundhouse kick to the face.
Chuck Norris’ sperm count is so high you have to chew before you swallow.
Chuck Norris is a vegetarian. Meaning, he does not eat animals until first he puts them into vegetative state with his fists.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
A Canadian director once asked Chuck Norris if he wanted to star in a Canadian drama as an Mountie. Chuck Norris kicked him so hard that his head turned into maple syrup.
Chuck Norris was going to be added into the new Street Fighter game, but the developers decided that it would make it impossible to balance the game.
Red Bull contains only one ingredient. The sweat of Chuck Norris.
When Chuck Norris says “More cowbell”, he MEANS it.
Chuck Norris suffered only 1 loss a chess match to Mr. T. The next day Chuck Norris inventented racism.
Chuck Norris is an amazing chef. Give him a hunk of deer shit and he’ll return with garlic bread and lasagna.
Chuck Norris’ favourite song is “Everyone Hurts” by REM.
Dr. Phil asks Chuck Norris for advice.
Chuck Norris can kill two stones with one bird.
Chuck Norris was originally a member of ZZ Top, but was kicked out of the band for making fun of his bandmates’ “girly” beards.
Chuck Norris owns a restaurant in which he serves actual knuckle sandwiches, which contain the knuckles of customers who have pissed him off.
If you suddenly hear “Symphony from the New World” coming from nowhere, then Chuck Norris is near. Run.
Chuck Norris once pulled a muscle in his leg. It angered him so much that he roundhouse kicked his leg and made it well again.
Chuck Norris will never have a heart attack. His heart isn’t nearly foolish enough to attack him.
A car was once hit by Chuck Norris at a crosswalk. Chuck Norris was unphased, but the car is in critical condition.
Only three sabretooth tigers are still known to exist. One belongs to He-Man. The second belongs to Skeletor. The third belongs to Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris has amazing ESP. He can make you shit your pants simply by flexing his small intestine.
While taking the SAT write Chuck Norris for every answer. You will score of 8000.
Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)
People created the automobile to escape from Chuck Norris…Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris created the automobile accident.
Chuck Norris was born in a log cabin that he built with his own two hands.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.