WARNING: You have stumbled upon one of my “rant” pages for a game(s). My rants are intentionally critical and contain foul language. If you are not comfortable with this, then please don’t read the material I have written.
As a regular joe and not some flunky working for a professional gaming website, I can say whatever I please about any game on the market. To get myself warmed up for a few reviews I plan on writing soon, I have decided to end my blog break by writing about the games I have played (or haven’t, in the case of one game below) that I will not review. Surely these games must be something special if I won’t review them? Well, in most cases, the games are actually pretty good overall. So, let me tell you why some games are on the “do not review” list.
BRAVO AIR RACE (PS1)
This one is a “classic” now, as it is a PS1 game. So why am I including it? Well, I’ll review older games from time to time. Bravo Air Race, fortunately, will never be one. I love racing games, but this game was just ridiculous. Aside from having barely any courses at all in the game, it was designed terribly. Why in the hell the developers thought it would be cool to include a countdown timer in the game is beyond me. Yes, Bravo Air Race is just like the old arcade racers that have those countdown timers that, when they reach zero, you lose automatically. Get that shit out of racing games, it doesn’t belong at all. You’re not supposed to be racing against the clock, you’re supposed to be racing against other competitors! I also found myself crashing or something almost all the time in the game, because it felt like everything wanted to kill me.
Estimated score if reviewed: Between 1 and 3 out of 10.
DEMON’S SOULS (PS3)
Originally, I was pumped for this game. After I watched YouTube videos of the game in action, my hopes quickly vanished and I found myself not really wanting to play the game anymore. Sure the game looked challenging, but it lacked an immersive atmosphere, the graphics were generic, and the absence of music made it all seem very dull. A few months later, a friend brought it over and played through the tutorial stage as well the following two levels. Did I come around? No, not at all. Seeing the game in motion on my television only made me feel even less interested in the game. Overall, it just looked boring and completely stupid. Aside from being ridiculously difficult and strategic, nothing about the game looked interesting. The graphics were boring, the sound effects were terribly uninspired, and the menus were just plain awful. My friend offered me the controller at one point, but I didn’t want to play. A few more weeks later and my step-sister’s boyfriend tried to get me to play it. All I had to say was NO. Sorry bud, but I’m not touching Demon’s Souls. Ever. You can tell when a game isn’t for you, and this is one that is not for me.
Estimated score if reviewed: Between 3 and 5 out of 10.
FALLOUT 3 (360, PC, PS3)
I wanted to like this one, I really did. Unfortunately, I feel like Fallout 3 is just a dumbed down Oblivion, just like Oblivion is a dumbed down Morrowind. With each new Bethesda release, I feel like the overall quality of their games declines substantially. They seem to just try to appeal to the casual gamers now, or at least want lots of mainstream attention. It shows in their two latest RPGs, Fallout 3 and Oblivion. Oblivion was fairly boring and lacked immersion, but I was able to play it and at least enjoy it a little. Fallout 3 is a different story, though. I feel that it takes Bethesda’s bad voice acting to it’s lowest point yet, and the NPC animations are just fucking hilarious. The VATs system felt like garbage to me and I couldn’t grow to enjoy it at all. I read that it was to “simulate” the turn based combat of the first two Fallout games. Well why the fuck don’t you guys just make an actual turn based battle system instead of butchering an already shitty first person combat system!? My main gripe with Fallout 3 is that the whole game just felt really boring. There was nothing epic about it. With Morrowind, you had a wonderful orchestrated soundtrack that made stepping out onto Vvardenfell feel absolutely incredible. Oblivion tried to feel a little epic as well with the impressive (though visually sub-par) distant land feature and action-oriented battle system. Fallout throws everything out from Morrowind and Oblivion and forces the player to listen to a soundtrack that hardly evokes any feeling at all from the player as they trudge through a wasteland that, while impressive looking for five minutes or so, quickly becomes the most boring landscape I have ever had the displeasure of adventuring through. The “Wasteland” was even more boring than Oblivion’s huge ass province-sized forest that covered up almost the entire overworld. So, Fallout 3 bored the shit out of me and I hated how clumsy Bethesda’s programming was, too. Sorry.
Estimated score if reviewed: Between 3 and 5 out of 10.
DISSIDIA: FINAL FANTASY (PSP)
It’s bullshit fanservice, and I’m sick of Final Fantasy not dying. The fact that Square-Enix works on TWO numbered games in the main series at a time now is beyond ridiculous. Dissidia just felt like a less gimmicky version of Smash Brothers. I think that Smash Brothers has a slight edge over Dissidia though, since I feel that Smash Brothers actually requires a little skill (!!!) while Dissidia requires none. This is just a mindless button masher that stars Final Fantasy’s most popular characters. The fighting engine is so shallow and stupid that it’s hardly even worth it to check out every character. I tried them all, felt underwhelmed, and then just played the game a bit with Squall since he basically felt like a murder machine. I don’t know what Square-Enix was even trying to do with this game. Is it a fighting game? Er, not quite. Action? No. RPG? Nope. So what the fuck is it? Hell, I don’t know.
Estimated score if reviewed: Between 3 and 6 out of 10.
MINI NINJAS (360, PC, PS3)
What’s not to like? It looks cute, the premise is great, and the gameplay videos are fun to watch. Unfortunately, I found out that there is one thing about this game that I absolutely cannot tolerate, and that is the control layout. I played the game on my computer, and I could not get the game to detect my gamepad at all which forced me to play on the keyboard. To make matters worse, I could not reassign some keys. I always play with the jump key as NUMPAD0, but in Mini Ninjas it was permanently bound to the space bar. Frustrating to say the least. Anyway, I found the controls impossible to adapt to, and I was quite pissed off that I couldn’t use my gamepad. The game itself seemed very well made and I’m upset that I didn’t get to experience more of it. A poor control scheme is a game breaker though, and Mini Ninjas certainly has a poor one.
Estimated score if reviewed: Between 4 and 5 out of 10.
Start game. Complete tutorial. Walk ten feet and get slaughtered by a horde of monsters that are way out of your league. I couldn’t enjoy the combat in this game at all. It felt a lot like The Witcher, only so clumsy that it made me just want to quit repeatedly. I disliked everything about Risen except the graphics. The island you are thrust onto looks really nice and is quite a treat to explore, but overall the game felt like trash to me and I didn’t enjoy it. It’s been a while since I last played, so it is hard to be specific. All I can say is that I didn’t like the game and I felt that the placement of monsters was far beyond questionable.
Estimated score if reviewed: Between 2 and 5 out of 10.
SACRED 2 (360, PC, PS3)
I will never review this game simply because I can’t get the damn thing to work on anything I run it on! Nothing ever loads properly and the game can’t even be played. Start up a new game and be treated to a grassy field that is stuck on my screen forever! Cool! Nothing renders at all except the ground. The game was also tested on my step-sister’s machine and, surprise, it didn’t work. It is kind of hard to review a game when the fucking thing doesn’t even work in the first place.
Estimated score if reviewed: 0 out of 10 for not even working. Yes, that makes it worse than Big Rigs.
THE LAST REMNANT (360, PC)
I played about an hour and a half of this game before I just gave up. As a Square-Enix game, I expected a lot more out of it. The Last Remnant was bad on so many levels. The voice acting wasn’t even Sesame Street quality, the battle system was barely functional and seemed absolutely random most of the time, and the dungeons were the blandest locations I have witnessed in a current generation game. Most dungeons were, literally, nothing more than barren square rooms connected together with the odd monster or two inside. I tried to accept all these faults, but when the second boss of the game KO’ed me in two hits that I could not even react against, I decided not to bother with this garbage game. Yes, garbage game. The Last Remnant has a lot of interesting qualities and there is a lot of potential in the game, but Square-Enix wasted every single ounce of it. Not even one aspect of the game was put to good use. Everything felt half-assed, as if Square-Enix didn’t really care about putting any effort or time into anything in the game. A complete and utter failure of a game.
Estimated score if reviewed: Between 1 and 2 out of 10.
I am getting a sense of deja vu. Did I already write about this game before? I could swear that I did. Hmm…
Estimated score if reviewed: Pretty sure I’ve written about Diab… Er… Torchlight before .
WORLD OF WARCRAFT (PC)
Unlike everything else in this post, I like WoW. I still play it, but mostly as a sort of social networking service of sorts. I still play the actual game itself, but I also like keeping in touch with the cool people I’ve met on WoW. Hyjal, Moon Guard, and Shadowmoon are all some pretty awesome realms. If anyone remembers Rasche the Night Elf hunter from Hyjal and then Moon Guard, then that was me. I made friends on both realms, and I had good times. I still play, and I’m trying to gear a healer at the moment while chatting with some pretty good folks. People talk shit about WoW quite often, and let them. Who cares? It’s a fun game as long as you don’t become dangerously addicted, but that applies to all games. World of Warcraft isn’t the evil poison people make it out to be. There are just so many people playing it, so you’re bound to hear the bad stories about neglectful parents and such more often than you would with other massively played games such as Counter-Strike or Team Fortress 2. Overall, when you balance out the populations, WoW’s players really aren’t any worse. Truthfully, some of the friendliest people I have met online have been on WoW. Are they lonely and depressed nerds who are excited to have someone to talk to? Maybe. Even if they are, at least they’re friendly. I can’t say the same for the assholes I’ve met in APB and other MMOs. Anyway, there is one simple reason why I will never review the core World of Warcraft game, and that’s because it is always changing thanks in part to Blizzard’s thorough patches. The game is continually being refined, so it’s difficult to really say much about it.
Estimated score if reviewed: Between 8 and 10 out of 10.